A Baker's Dozen: Daily Life in a Large Family

Difficult Children or; The Story of the Lava Lamp

Some of my children are more difficult than others. Some, in fact, would be considered difficult by anyone's standards I believe. Avi (6) happens to be on of them. I try to keep a sense of humor...and most days I succeed. 

Let me share with the story of the Lava Lamp. Tilly bought one recently, before the big room switch, and it was the pride and joy of all the girls. When Adalia and Tilly moved out of the room the Lava Lamp went with them. Avi asked me on a couple of occasions if I would buy her one for her room. I answered with the non-committal response we all give to our children at times. Then the other day I was walking through a store and noticed a display of Lava Lamps. I thought of Avi and her request. On impulse I decided to buy her a lamp. A small token of my love. A way to tell her I was thinking of her even when we weren't together (and when she wasn't trying to grab the attention). I stood for several minutes deliberating over the lamps and finally picked out a small pink and purple lamp. How cool. The "lava" inside even changes colors.

I brought the lamp home that night (the girls were already in bed) and I had Tilly set it up first thing the next morning. The girls were thrilled. Avi ran up to me and asked if I really bought it for her. I said, "Yes, I was thinking about you when I was out shopping last night and knew you wanted a Lava Lamp". 

Her joy lasted for about three minutes. Then it started.

"Why did you buy me a small one?"

"Didn't they have bigger ones at the store?"

"This one's too small"

"I think I'll buy a bigger one with my birthday money"

"I don't like the one you bought me. It's too small"

"Mom, will you take me to the store today to buy a bigger one?"

And on and on and on. And on. And on.

She could not let it go...it's all she talked about. Did this smaller Lava Lamp somehow mean I loved her less? Or is it that she can't handle a gift of love from me? For some reason being nice to Avi is a trigger for her.

This went on for two days. On the third morning she greeted me with these words, "Maybe my Lava Lamp with break and then I can go to the store and buy a bigger one".

To that I responded that if her Lava Lamp broke she would never be able to get another one for her room because it would be too dangerous- which is true the lamp is full of wax, glass and hot liquid.

Who knows what was going through her mind. This is only one example of the difficulties she's having lately. Avi is adopted (she joined us at 3 days old) and has a handful of behavioral issues we can't seem to get a handle on. Mostly, I suppose, because there doesn't seem to be a rule book for these types of things. I don't talk about it often on the blog, but Avi was addicted to cocaine at birth...and we eased her through those weeks of withdrawal. I spent year up for hours at a time in the middle of the night with her. I believe she used the middle-of-the-night hours to be awake and alert because the environment was less stimulating. I carried Avi in the sling by the hour and she slept with us a night. When Tucker was born and Avi was 3 months old I began breastfeeding her and that continued until she was 15 months old and she weaned herself. Despite all of this, Avi doesn't seem to be able to accept my love. But love and affection on her terms are fine. 

I blogged about a difficult day at the lake earlier this summer. 

I love this child with all of my heart. I just hope and pray that someday she will be able to accept love from others.

{I forgot to add these the first time...and please know I only share these stories to help other parents understand that this is reality...not to cast a bad light on Avi at all...

Thursday night at Tucker's birthday party Avi was sitting with my mom. My mom started saying how much she loved Avi, and how Chuck and I love Avi, and she finally said, "everyone loves you Avi!". Avi looked up my mom with a sickly sweet smile, blinked her large eyes and said, "Even Satan?".

The next day Chuck was sitting on the couch sipping coffee with Avi on his lap and she kept "accidentally" bumping his cup. This scenario plays itself out nearly every day. She "pretends" to bump it until it spills all over. This time, with a glint in his eye, he look smiled at me and said (jokingly) "Avi, if you bump my coffee and spill it that will show me how much you love me!" She didn't touch it again. She didn't even get close. She didn't realize he was joking to me...and I know this stuff doesn't make any sense. I know that...but if you've read any of Nancy Thomas's stuff on attachment, it's true. She thrives on negative attention and hates positive attention. We didn have one indcident where she expressed remorse here, but nothing since.

And yes, I have certianly considered a RAD as the root of her problems...as a commenter said, new research shows that a child can receive proper nurturing and still have RAD. 

I have considered sending her to school, but that would mean she would have to ride the bus with Mordecai and she loves to torment and humiliate him. He's her favorite target.}

Job Corps {Update}

Keziah 19

Keziah came home for  visit this weekend. It was wonderful to have her joyous laughter in the house again. She and Adalia are quite the lively pair, let me tell you.

 Keziah is currently working on her GED and training for Business (this may change as Job Corps lets them try out several trades). Boaz (17) is also working toward his GED and training in Carpentry- especially meaningful as this is what his father in Liberia did. Boaz wants to eventually train in Medical Assisting, but needs to earn his GED first.

Keziah said they are "very strict" when it comes to being places on time. This is a skill we worked on for years here at our house, but I suppose it is more effective when it comes from someone other than Mom and Dad and their are painful consequences. 

I asked Keziah to write down her three favorite and three worst things about Job Corps so I could share them here. This is what she wrote:

My three favorite things about Job Corps is: job skills, dressing appropriately and being on time. My three very worst things about Job Corps: sexual harassment, bad languages and disobedience. 

Boaz and Keziah have seen several people get kicked out of Job Corps for breaking the rules. Talk about real life training!

Ezra (19) decided to attend another year of High School and says he plans to go to Job Corps next year. He is currently doing half a day at school and half a day doing vocational training. For those of you new here, he has moved out and lives about 15 minutes from us. Here is a recent update from Bridget.

Thanks for all the thoughts and input about Facebook...it's always interesting to hear other people's perspective. If you haven't already, go check out the comments from yesterday's post.

Mordecai's First Day of School

Mordecai, age 9. Isn't he simply adorable? 

For the reader who asked, yesterday was Mordecai's first day of school ever. The decision to put him in school came after much prayer, thought and discussion with his doctor. Mordecai was diagnosed with Static Encephelopathy Alcohol Exposed at age 2 1/2. In plain, brutal English, that means brain damage from prenatal alcohol exposure. Along with learning difficulties he deals with behavioral issues and rage. It was the behavior issues that sealed my decision to send him to school, not his academic skills. I won't go into all the drama here and now, but that's why he is in school. I don't think he will act out in school to the extent he does at home. He doesn't like to "grump" in front of his friends or when we are out in public so I am hoping that carries over into school.

Mordecai boarded the school bus without a backward glance. He is in the Intensive Learning class. Apparently we can't use the term "special ed" because that might hurt the kids self-esteem or something? I don't know. There are seven students, one teacher and two aids in his class. 

His school is small and only a five minute's drive from our house, despite our rural location. And since we live in a rural location, the school bus picks him up right at the top of our driveway. My little guy was gone from 9:55 to 4:10 yesterday. What a long day for a kid who gets exhausted from two hours of Cub Scouts!

When he came home he headed straight for the couch and opened his lunch box. All he had eaten was his sandwich. He proceeded to eat the rest of his lunch and listen to books  read by his siblings. I asked Mordecai to tell me two things that he did in school and he said he couldn't remember...I asked him to tell me one thing he did and after much thought he said, "played at recess". 

So that's about all I know about his day. I let him play the Gameboy (a rare treat in our house) becasue I could see how very tired he was and how much he just needed some down time. I had to meet a client at 6:00, then Hilary for Grump Therapy, so I wasn't here to see him the rest of the evening. I do wonder how enthusiastic he'll be to head off today....

At the Lake

Mordecai has a real flair for jumping off the swings!

Yesterday we finally had another beautiful summer day. They've been few and far between this year, so we try to take advantage of every one.

Hezekiah's a wee bit more practical and straightforward in his jumping.

And Avi. You, my dear friends, are always up for a good Avi story...right? Avi saw me taking pictures of the boys jumping off the swing and wanted to get in on the action.

So I took this shot. But despite the Mary Poppins-esque-ness of the photo, she didn't like it. It didn't have the oomph that Mordecai's photo had. So she wanted me to take more. No problem.

As she was swinging a little girl came up to her and said, "Excuse me, but when you come back to play would you please not throw bark at us?". Being the mean, cruel mother that I am, I made her answer the little girl. The girl replied with a cheerful, "Okay, and thanks for answering!" and skipped off. 

Avi, on the other hand, was fuming. I've said it before, hell hath no fury like an Avi scorned. 

Now Avi was out to punish public enemy number one. Me. Her face was dark and angry and she immediately began complaining that if I took pictures of her jumping Hezekiah would be in them. In a moment of uncalled for optimism, I moved directly in front of her and said, "Okay, I'll pictures from here". Avi would not be appeased. She continued to complain loudly that that Hezekiah would be in her pictures (something that didn't bother her a bit until she was mad at me). So I responded cheerfully, okay, I'll just take pictures of Hezekiah then. I turned my camera and waited a few moments to frame the shot, then took one of Hezekiah. The moment the shutter was pressed and I began to lower my camera, Avi launched herself off the swing and before her feet even touched the ground she was wailing, "You said you would take a  picture of me. Why didn't you take my picture?" and on and on ad naseum. The entire time until we left the park.

*sigh*

I share this story with you because this is life with Avi at six. When I talk about her behavioral issues, this is a prime example of what I mean. Any time we take her out around other people, or we have people over to our house, she becomes overstimulated and begins to act out. Please don't take this antedote in the wrong way. I wasn't mad at Avi. Quite the opposite. As infuriating (and humilating) as it can be at times, my heart breaks for my little girl who doesn't yet have the skills to play with others her age. Prior to this incident, I watched Avi looking and groups of children playing. She was observing them. Studying them. And yet, when she approached, she couldn't keep herself together. Craving the negative attention, she felt the need to be mean, rather than to play. Nancy Thomas goes into the science why children like Avi crave the negative rather than positive attention. It is something we are working on and I have confidence she will eventually overcome this, but right now it's really, really hard. For both of us. 

If you see me at the park, you will recognize me right away. I'm the mean mom who always either: picks on Avi (look, I refused to take a picture of my little girl!) or the mom who makes her poor daughter sit by her side the whole time.

*sigh*

My older children were at the park with us, but they were off exploring the lake.

And hanging around.

I see a future Gap model, what do you think?

Apollo discovered the simple joy of throwing wet sand. At me.

Judah said he saw some fish and when I told Apollo, he walked over to the lake and started making his very distinctive sound "zzzsssszzzzzz" that means fish. It sounds nothing like the word "fish" but we all know what it means. 

Have a great weekend!

 

Adopting Older Children and Expectations

 By the way, for those who care....see that lovely green background? This photo is almost SOOC, I only converted to jpeg and resized and sharpened for the web. That creamy bokeh is the grass in our yard. This photo was shot with my 85 mm lens at an aperture of 2.2. See why I love this lens?!

I recently read the book No Riding Bikes in the House Without a Helmet. It is about a family with four biological children, who then end up adopting five more children. All of the children were older (from age 4 to teens), four from Ethiopia.

When I closed the last page of the book, I couldn't help but be struck by the similarities between our families. Before our Liberian children ever came home we were given a great piece of advice: Don't have any expectations for the first year. Every adoption (or birth of a baby) is filled with expectations of course. But with adopting older children (and in our case  teens) we knew we needed to keep this in check. We didn't know these children, of course we needed to not let our "expectations" and preconceived notions of what they would be like, get in the way. After a long discussion we agreed that our only expectation for our adopted children the first year is that they would learn to live in our family.

Our first year flew by.  We came to the end of that and discussed our agreement not to have any expectations of our children beyond allowing them to adjust and learn to live with us. That strategy was a resounding success. We (and they) had survived a year living together. That was something to celebrate!

So Chuck and I discussed year two. What would our expectations be fore year two? Since our children arrived home in October, our anniversary of their arrival coincides closely with the beginning of our school year. Academics were still a struggle. In fact, no measurable progress could be seen after a year. But that was okay. We all survived the first year and academics seemed secondary. But for year two, we wanted to see some improvement. In the  beginning language had been such an issue (they spoke English in Liberia, but with a strong accent and it was heavy with Liberian colloquialisms). So we began year two, doing essentially the same schoolwork as year one, but this time I put on a little more pressure to get the answers right and correct mistakes. To our Liberian children schoolwork = getting the workbook finished. No matter if ALL the answers are wrong even. As long as the workbook is finished, their schoolwork was done. This is honestly still an issue. The prevailing attitude was (and is)  well, if I miss 17 out of 20 answers that's okay,  I can just go back and fix them tomorrow. 

*sigh*

Year two came and went and we were up against year three. Our goal for year three? To have our children listen and follow directions. To have them think ahead (ie, if I have an all day Scout event on Saturday, I need to ask permission to go, and let mom know I need to pack a lunch- this because we don't normally keep portable lunch supplies in the house). Time after time, permission wasn't asked (but since Judah's going, I can go right?) and lunches weren't packed (but that's okay, someone always shared). It was mind-numbingly frustrating. Time after time we went over: ask permission, let mom know you need to pack a lunch. And time after time neither were done. In fact, resentment built up because we were "being mean". Being mean by requesting that a child ask permission and let me know if they needed a ride, or lunch. After all, if they forgot a lunch, or coat, or book, someone always loaned (or even gave) them one, so what's the problem?

Planning ahead included things like, if I need to be at the pool at 3:00 and it takes 20 minutes to drive there, I better be ready by 2:30 or 2:40 (not 3:00)....Weekend long trips would arrive, with our children having no idea what time they should be ready, or when they were meeting or where.

As we come up on year four, I feel like we've been a dismal failure helping/training our children on those two points. 

What I hope Keziah and Boaz learn at Job Corps (and Ezra learns at school) is that they need to think and plan for themselves. They are 17, 19 and almost 19, I won't always be there to pack a lunch, call to clarify what time we're meeting, or to let them fix their mistakes on their schoolwork. The  time has come that they need to begin to "own" some of these things themselves.

I love my adopted children dearly. But the more we asked of them (you need to ask permission, you need to plan ahead) the more tension it caused. Tension that affected our relationships. I felt that I could either not expect anything from them (ie, make their plans, double check times, check on lunches) and have things go smoothly...or make them do those things and have tension and resentment.

Which brings me back to the book I read. This family, it seems, had very few, if any expectations of any of their children. Sneaking out? Well, kids do that. Drinking beer at a party? They're teens after all. Stealing? Make them repay and ask them nicely not to do it. What I saw in that book were very similar issues to what we have dealt with, but with an "anything goes" type of attitude. While I'll admit that philosophy has crossed my mind, I don't believe it would serve my children well in the long run. In order to get and keep a job, you need to be honest and follow directions. You need to be dependable and know what time works starts. I consider those important life skills.

So what was the point of this long, rambling, post? Not a whole lot, beyond recognizing our struggles in another family. All in all, I consider our older child adoption a success.

Our children adjusted to our family and we love them.

And some days, that needs to be enough.

Good-bye Sweet Kaylee

Kaylee, aka Baby K, has joined her new family. A family that I know loves and adores her. But still...we miss her. 

Sweet Kaylee who has been a part of Hilary's family for the last nine months and a good buddy for Apollo. You're missed sweet girl. I hope you have a wonderful life.

Family

I don't think there's anything more important in this world than family. I am very, very sad today because Hilary will be losing Baby K...my heart is broken and I can't even imagine what she is going through. I remember how crushed I felt when Gideon and Molly left. It seemed like there was a hole in the B family...And Baby K...she seemed like such a gift to Hilary and to me. She arrived when Apollo was three months old, and suddenly we were both carting around babies and discussing feeding/naps/milestones. And now she'll be gone. The judge didn't even allow Hilary to speak or present anything on her behalf. She had to beg to be allowed to take Baby K home to prepare her husband and children for losing her, rather than hand her over right then for her first visit. The system, unfortunately, is not serving our children well...

Anyway, my brother and his wife are here for a short visit and we spent all afternoon and evening with them.

  

Aren't they a cute little family?

Tilly and Lydia are only a month and a day apart in age. In fact, when June and I were pregnant with the girls in 1998,  my other brother's wife was also pregnant. All three of my mom's children were expecting babies that year! She was one happy grandma.

I think it's safe to say these girls have a lot of fun together. They send emails and snail mail back and forth, but it's been three years since they've seen each other.

Oh, and Kalina had fun with them too.

And the boy cousins? Well, they're  boys.

Our afternoon was spent at the beach. I am happy to say Apollo loves the water just as much as he did last summer. I was a bit worried that he would develop a fear of it, but he was happy to be held and splash his feet in the cool ocean waves.

My brother Dave made friends with Apollo as they studied the rocks and barnacles together.

I love how my children exclaim in joy over each new treasure they discover....even though we find the same sea creatures at each visit. They simply haven't lost their wonder.

And these two are just so durn cute...It amazes me how close in size they are! Hezekiah is seventeen months older, but not a hair bigger. You can spot him by the plethora of missing teeth.

I have a bajillion and two more photos that I may (or may not) end up sharing....off to start my day.

 

A Breakthrough?

When Avi joined our family at three days old, we were told she was addicted to cocaine. Can you even imagine nursing and comforting a baby through something like that? It's heartbreaking and difficult for me even to write. For years I've been in the position of trying to maintain my children's privacy on such things, but the reality is they face the consequences of their prenatal environment, and maybe an explanation can help others understand a little bit more.

At any rate, Avi was a delightfully happy baby...but she didn't sleep much at night. I'm  not talking about Apollo's frequent night waking, I mean she would wake up in the middle of the night and be away for 2-3 or more hours. Every night. My personal theory is that she chose the middle of the night to be awake and alert because their was so much less stimulation: the house was quite, the lights dim...

By her first birthday she was sleeping through the night but, unfortunately for me, woke at 5:30 am every morning. It was a challenge keeping her quiet so everyone else could sleep. Avi was very, very active (in fact, according to her medical records, I was already "concerned" about her activity level at her two year check up!) But really, up until about age 2 or 3 I believed she had come through the prenatal exposure unscathed. She is nothing like Mordecai and I thought he had hit the jackpot. This child would be fine.

It's hard to describe just how challenging some of these children can be. I began this blog before Avi's second birthday and it is filled with antidotes about her. Sometimes it's either laugh or cry, and I almost always choose the former. Her behavior has gotten increasing more difficult as she's gotten older, and the reality is the discipline I use with my other children just doesn't work on her. I feel like I've been lost for a long long time.

One of the most challenging this has been the fact that Avi prefers negative over positive attention one hundred percent of the time. If you tell her she is: smart, her hair looks nice, she is playing nicely, did a great job coloring, etc, you are guaranteed she will: throw something, hit someone, mess up her hair, rip up her paper, etc. It's the strangest thing I've seen. I don't understand why she is like that, and it makes it very difficult to discipline her. You can "catch" her doing something nice and comment on it. She loves to be in trouble...

I've felt completely hopeless up until recently when Hilary began a group to watch the DVD series When Love is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. I'll let you peruse her website, but she is the first person to give me methods that help Avi. They are a bit hard to describe, but suffice it to say, these are the first things that have ever made a difference in her behavior. Slowly, slowly, things have getting better. Friends and family have noticed. Her siblings are relieved. And best of all, we've experienced what I believe is a breakthrough.

The other day Avi came to me crying. You have to understand, Avi screams and cries a lot. And it's loud. But I had never heard this kind of crying. She wasn't hurt, she wasn't shrieking, she was sobbing. I ran to her (my mommy radar up) and asked what was wrong. Through tears she told me, "I can't get the mud out of the hall...I tried to clean it up but it's all over!" My child was crying, for the first time in almost six years, with remorse. She was sorry she had made a mess, and was trying to clean it up.

{By the way, lest you think I freak out about mud...I have never seen anything this bad the carpet was black. All of it. There was so much mud it was slippery! I was almost as shocked by that as her crying}

I held her, told her it was okay and we would clean it up together. I told her how "strong" she was to come and tell me about it instead of running off or lying about it. It was an incredible moment. A moment that has filled this mom with hope.

What About Baby K?

 

If you're a regular reader of this blog, you probably know that my friend Hilary picked up Baby K straight from the hospital at 3 days old as a "short term" placement. She is now nearly nine month old.

{Sorry, I'm not allowed to show Baby K's face on my blog...so photos of Apollo will have to suffice}

She is now in very real danger of being moved away from the only family she has known and loved...not because it will be better for her but because of state "policies"...none of which are in her best interest. 

Hilary and her family are once again facing the reality of losing a child they love.  While you might say that's part of their "job" as foster parents, they have also poured every ounce of love and care they have into this baby girl. They have taken her for weekly visits to her birth parents, given them photos, and overall formed a good relationship with them. Unfortunately, the birth parents won't ever be able to parent their precious baby....I don't know the details of K's case- they are all confidential, but I do know if she is moved right now it is for political reasons- not because anyone thinks she will be better off in her new placement.

{Read Hilary's recent post about it here}

I also know that my friend is hurting deeply...she is terrified Baby K will be moved and (and really, who knows how many times?) and develop Reactive Attachment Disorder. Why is this such a fear of Hilary's? Perhaps because she lives with the affects of RAD every day in her home. She knows how damaging these moves are to the very soul of a child. If you're a long time reader, you probably remember Gideon and Molly being placed with them, for adoption, back in 2009...and left 2 1/2 months later (after being told by caseworkers this was their "forever family") with little warning to go with relatives who suddenly decided they wanted to adopt them. Gideon and Molly were returned, just as abruptly, months later when the relatives (who they were told would now be their "forever family") returned them...unfortunately they returned much more damaged children....children who have learned time after time, no one can be trusted...no one.

Please pray. Pray for Hilary. Pray for Baby K. And pray most of all, that the system changes. And then don't just pray. Call your state representatives (as Hilary has) become aware of what is going on in your state...and please, for Baby K's sake, get involved.

And She's Off!

Keziah is off to Job Corps...our particular branch is only an hour away from us, definitely close enough for visits now and then. Keziah left on Tuesday with both excitement and anxiousness....wondering what her new adventure would bring. On the tour the week before she made a friend before she even left. A nice Christian gal that she couldn't wait to go meet again...

We haven't heard from her yet...they like to give the kids a little bit of adjustment time before they are allowed to contact home or visit. She's a strong girl, I know she'll do great.

For those of you who may be wondering "why Job Corps?" the reality is Keziah needs more help academically and with life and management skills than we can give her. The GED prep classes she has been taking have been good, but even with me homeschooling her and a weekly tutor coming to house, she needs more help. She also needs the life skills and management training. It's a tricky complicated thing adopting teens, not to mention teens from another culture and country. There is a certain balance that comes into play between us needing to be her parents and fostering that attachment- and us needing to push her to help her succeed. 

I'm sure that many moms reading this homeschooling biological children, or children adopted as infants can understand the struggle that sometimes mounts when you are both teacher and mom. When kids go to school and hate their teachers, think they are mean or picking on them, they can come home to Mom and Dad and vent. In our case, I'm both. Imagine that same struggle with a child (now adult) adopted in their late teens, when I am both Mom and teacher. Sometimes it helps for someone else to be "the bad guy" for a while. 

Our particular rural location also makes it nearly impossible for Keziah and Boaz to have regular jobs. It's a long two mile walk to the bus stop...one they can only make during daylight hours due to safety concerns (the road is hilly and narrow)...and the bus doesn't run all that frequently. Keziah doesn't drive yet, and by age 19 you need some type of job.

And so she's off. Off on her new adventure in independence and learning. I can't wait to hear an update from her.